If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
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m’lady
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
“i miss shittin on people”
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
You sure about that?
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!