If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
You Might Also Like
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
I know this now 😂
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.