@JimmerThatisAll

If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.

You Might Also Like

@chopper4jk

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

@Lola_Areola

I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*

@ericsshadow

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

@KrunkedRobot

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

@Parkerlawyer

My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.

@xosm

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

@LindaInDisguise

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

@prettysadmostly

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

@Angibangie

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

@CornOnTheGoblin

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised