If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
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There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
I’m aging like a fine banana
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.