If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.

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I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.


I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*


Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.


I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.


My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.


Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.


Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.


i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire


*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.


Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised