If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
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Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.