If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
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They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.