If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
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happy birthday to me. i am 25.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
The devil.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
My first son he is wonderful
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph