If I make my 3yo a ham sandwich he won’t touch it but if I make myself a ham sandwich he’s gotta have the entire thing
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YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
It’s called a ceasar salad because you stab it a bunch of times when you eat it
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Help my kids are getting along and I don’t know what to do
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday