If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
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I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
New menu item
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
is nasa ok
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Proctology is located in A55
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!