if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
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titanic
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Any refunds available?…
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you