if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
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therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I have two kinds of followers
Put the is in disheveled
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”