If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
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I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
The little toadstool has spoken.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.