If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
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They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Oh, I bet you would be
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder