If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
You Might Also Like
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23