If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
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My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
become ungovernable
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.