If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
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I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.