If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
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Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you