If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
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“You drive, I’m tired.”
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
RT if you could go either way.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
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5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.