If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
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Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice