if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
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FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
No selfies while hijacking a train.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
😩😩😩
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.