If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
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Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
what kind of cook setting is this??
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.