If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
You Might Also Like
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
just witnessed a drug deal
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.