If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
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I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Love this guy
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Whoa… oh I see lol
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Florida man
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now