If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
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[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
What the hell happened here.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
socratic questions
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Botany good plants lately?
Put this video in the Louvre
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*