If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
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My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong