If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
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[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope