If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
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Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
B
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
jesus christ confetti not now
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.