If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
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When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
no regrets
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
🤣
I’m good, thanks.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Make new friends? bro out of what?
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.