If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
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“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Peter Parker Peter Driver
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here