If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
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The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope