Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
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[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.