@designersays

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

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@junejuly12

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

@TheHyyyype

[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars

@ghostkrogh

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

@noog

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

@rad_milk

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

@magisternihil

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

@montgomaryrock

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

@ShutUpThatsWho

ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.