@designersays
@junejuly12 Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
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@junejuly12 
@TheHyyyype [paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
@ghostkrogh mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
@noog Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
@rad_milk as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
@magisternihil The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
@RaDadtouille It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
@montgomaryrock Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
@DurtMcHurtt Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
@ShutUpThatsWho ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.