If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
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The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
🙂🐾
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.