If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
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What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Don’t we all.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”