Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: yay!

God: you have a very long neck.

Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?

God: uh-sure.

Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!

God: no-

Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.

God:

Giraffe: feels like 72 : )

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*

Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*

Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

How to care for cast iron properly:

1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love