If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

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You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow


If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.


“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.


[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”


*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.


Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.


A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.


I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.


wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe