If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
You Might Also Like
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
God, I love Scotland
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.