If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
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Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.