Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

roman lesbians: *caesaring*

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall

Banking tips

For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!

I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.

Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free