If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
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Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that Iβm gonna take like 27 of those things?
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
friend: youβre pregnant! do you know what youβre having?
wife: we think itβs-
me: snakes. we think itβs snakes
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Todayβs mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
If youβd like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some βBurt stuffβ.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Maβam, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Daveβs not here man
hmm conte-me mais
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I hate Valentineβs Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?