If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
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To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
NASA has no chill
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
eggs benadryl
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.