If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
You Might Also Like
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in