@ShrinkMedia

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

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@petemandik

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

@StupiDucker

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

@DanMentos

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

@huntigula

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

@byrdie_num_num

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

@Mardigroan

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

@OutOfLeftField_

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

@ZombieProblms

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

@Smethanie

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.