If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
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me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
At least he brought enough for everyone
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *