If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
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Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.