If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
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Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way