“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

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If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?


Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months


Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.


ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything


Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂


I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up


What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.


Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.


“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics