@Marlebean

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

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@shivillex

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

@iscoff

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

@Elizasoul80

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

@TeaAndCopy

ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything

@Jfriks_

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

@BuckyIsotope

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

@vanleygoodtakes

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

@therepoguy

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

@LlamaInaTux

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics