“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
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I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
every college guy’s fridge
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕