if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
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[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions