If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
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Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
The Backseat Boys
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.