If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
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I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
That’s classic.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.