If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
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Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL