If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
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*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
no such thing as a dumb question
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?