If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
You Might Also Like
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT