If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
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It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Hank is one in a melon.