If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
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Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!