If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
You Might Also Like
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Sponch
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
dogs can find happiness so easily
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
